The Gap Between Should and Want
You know that thing you keep saying you "should" do?
You don't actually want to do it.
If you did, you'd be doing it.
I've spent years coaching leaders, and here's the pattern I see over and over again: They have goals they "should" achieve. Plans they "should" follow. Habits they "should" build.
But they're not doing any of it.
And they think the problem is discipline. Or motivation. Or accountability.
It's not. The problem is they're chasing someone else's dream.
The Should Trap
After coaching hundreds of leaders, I've seen the same story play out countless times.
They were "successful." Had clout, status, and an impressive salary. From the outside, everything looked great.
But they were living someone else's definition of success. Not their own.
Their lists were full of shoulds:
- "I should spend more time with family."
- "I should exercise more."
- "I should find work-life balance."
- "I should be grateful for what I have."
Here's what I've learned: Your "shoulds" are shame in disguise. They're other people's voices wearing your clothes.
They're guilt pretending to be goals.
No amount of external accountability will fix this. You can hire the best coach in the world, have check-ins every day, build elaborate tracking systems—and you'll still fail.
Because you're being held accountable to goals you don't actually want.
The Permission Problem
Most people don't have a planning problem. They have a permission problem.
Permission to focus on what they actually want. Permission to ignore what everyone else thinks they should want. Permission to say that their authentic desires matter more than inherited expectations.
I spent 10 months saying I "should" launch my product.
The truth? I wanted to stay safe. To avoid rejection. To protect my ego.
"Should" was the story I told myself. "Want" was the truth underneath.
Once I admitted what I really wanted—to share something meaningful despite the fear—everything changed. Because now I could work with the truth instead of against it.
Want Is Honest. Should Is a Lie.
Watch what happens when you flip the script:
"I should work out" becomes "I want to feel strong in my body."
"I should network more" becomes "I want real conversations that matter."
"I should read more" becomes "I want new ideas lighting up my brain."
"I should be more successful" becomes "I want to build something meaningful."
Feel that shift?
That's the difference between obligation and desire. Between dragging yourself forward and being pulled by something real.
We've been taught that wanting is selfish. That should is noble. That suffering equals success.
Bullshit.
Want is honest. Should is a lie you tell yourself.
Want energizes. Should exhausts.
Want creates. Should criticizes.
Why This Matters for Accountability
Here's the connection nobody makes: External accountability only works when it's aligned with authentic desire.
Think about it. When you truly want something—really want it, in your bones—you don't need someone to hold you accountable. You're pulled toward it. You find time. You make sacrifices. You figure it out.
But when you're chasing a "should"? Every check-in feels like judgment. Every tracker feels like surveillance. Every goal feels like a burden.
This is why most accountability systems fail. They're designed to pressure you into doing things you don't actually want to do.
That's not accountability. That's coercion.
Real accountability starts with radical honesty about what you actually want.
The Honesty Underneath
Here's your real assignment: Take your biggest "should" right now. Strip away the guilt. Peel back the expectation. Dig past the fear.
What do you actually want underneath it?
Sometimes it's the same thing in different clothes. "I should exercise" might become "I want to feel alive in my body."
Sometimes it's the complete opposite. "I should stay in this job" might become "I want to build something of my own."
Sometimes it's scarier than any should. "I should be grateful" might become "I want more than this."
That's how you know it's real.
The Belief Test
Here's a question that reveals everything: What's happening when you miss the ONE thing you committed to doing this week?
If you're honest, it's probably because you haven't made it truly non-negotiable yet.
That's the real issue. Your plan isn't the problem. Your commitment level is.
People protect what they truly believe in. Everything else becomes negotiable—urgent requests, personal excuses, whatever feels more comfortable than doing the hard thing.
If your ONE thing always gets sacrificed, look deeper.
Maybe you don't actually believe it will move the needle. Maybe you're afraid of the responsibility that comes with success. Maybe it's still in the "aspiration" category instead of the "commitment" category.
The specific reason matters less than the recognition: until you understand what's underneath the pattern, you'll keep living it.
Finding Your Want
Here's what I've learned about finding authentic desire underneath the shoulds:
Start with the body, not the mind. When you think about the "should," notice what happens physically. Tension? Heaviness? Resistance? Now imagine the want version. Does something open up? Lighten? That's your truth.
Ask the scary question. "If nobody would judge me, what would I actually want?" Write down the first thing that comes to mind. Don't edit it.
Track the energy. For one week, notice which activities give you energy and which drain you. Not which ones you think should energize you. Which ones actually do. That's information about what you truly want.
Permission isn't given. It's taken. Nobody is going to give you permission to want what you want. You have to grant it to yourself.
The Liberation
The most successful people I know? They stopped shoulding all over themselves and started wanting with clarity.
They got honest about what they actually desired, even when it was inconvenient. Even when it disappointed others. Even when it meant admitting the last ten years were spent chasing the wrong thing.
That honesty changed everything.
Because here's the truth: You can build all the accountability systems in the world, but they won't work until you're being held accountable to something you actually want.
Find the want. The accountability will follow.
What's hiding under your biggest "should"?